Autism and Friendships: Finding Your Place at School and College

The start of a new school year can bring a mixture of excitement and anxiety. New classrooms, new teachers, different routines – and, perhaps most importantly, new social situations.

For autistic children and young people, returning to school or college can bring additional challenges. Questions such as “Who will I sit with?”, “Will I make friends?”, “What if I don't fit in?” or “What if everyone already has their friendship groups?” can become a significant source of worry.

Parents may have exactly the same concerns from the other side. Will my child make friends? Will they be included? Are they spending break times alone because they want to be – or because they don't know how to join in?

Autism can affect social communication and interaction, but this certainly doesn't mean autistic people don't want or can't have meaningful friendships. In fact, many autistic people value friendship enormously.

Sometimes, they simply experience and navigate it differently.

Why Can Making Friends Be More Difficult for Autistic People?

Friendship involves an extraordinary number of unwritten social rules.

Knowing when to approach someone, how to start a conversation, recognising when somebody wants to talk, understanding jokes and sarcasm, knowing when it's your turn to speak, deciding how much information to share and working out whether someone genuinely likes you are skills that many people develop without consciously thinking about them.

For some autistic people, these things aren't automatic.

Imagine trying to join a game where everyone else seems to know the rules – but nobody has actually explained those rules to you.

That's what some social situations can feel like.

An autistic child may desperately want to join a group in the playground but simply not know how to enter the conversation or activity.

From the outside, they may appear uninterested in other children. Internally, the experience can be completely different.

“Why Can't I Just Fit In?”

As children grow older, social relationships often become more complicated.

At primary school, friendships may develop simply because two children enjoy playing the same game. By secondary school and college, social groups can involve much more subtle communication, changing friendships, humour, trends, group chats and complicated social expectations.

For an autistic young person, this can sometimes feel exhausting.

They may notice that other people seem to instinctively understand how to behave in different situations while they are consciously trying to work everything out.

This can lead to a painful feeling of being different.

And sometimes, the pressure to fit in leads to something else: masking.

Masking to Fit In

Masking – sometimes called camouflaging – describes attempts to hide or suppress autistic characteristics in order to appear more like the people around you.

At school or college, this might involve:

• copying the behaviour or mannerisms of other students;

• rehearsing conversations before having them;

• forcing eye contact;

• pretending to understand jokes;

• hiding intense interests;

• suppressing stimming;

• changing the way you speak;

• pretending not to be overwhelmed by noise or crowds; or

• constantly monitoring yourself to make sure you're behaving in the “right” way.

Masking can sometimes help an autistic person navigate social situations, but maintaining it can also be extremely tiring.

A child may appear perfectly happy and sociable throughout the school day, only to arrive home completely exhausted, overwhelmed or emotional.

This is why outward appearance doesn't always tell us how well someone is coping.

Being Alone Isn't Always the Same as Being Lonely

This distinction is particularly important.

Some autistic people genuinely enjoy spending significant amounts of time alone.

Busy playgrounds, cafeterias and common rooms can be loud, unpredictable and overwhelming. Sitting somewhere quiet with a book, listening to music or spending lunchtime pursuing an interest may be exactly what an autistic student needs.

Being alone therefore isn't automatically a problem.

But being alone because you choose to be is very different from being alone because you don't know how to connect with other people.

Rather than simply asking, “Does my child have lots of friends?”, it can be more helpful for parents to ask:

“Is my child happy with their social life?”

Those are two very different questions.

Quality Matters More Than Quantity

There can be enormous pressure at school to have a large friendship group.

But friendship doesn't need to look like that.

For some autistic children and young people, one or two close friendships can be far more fulfilling than belonging to a large group.

Autistic friendships can also develop around shared interests. A love of gaming, animals, football, trains, art, music, computers, books or almost anything else can provide a natural starting point for connection.

This is where clubs and organised activities can be particularly helpful.

Instead of being told to “go and make some friends,” an autistic child is placed alongside people who already share something with them.

The conversation suddenly has somewhere to begin.

The Importance of Finding “Your People”

Sometimes the problem isn't that an autistic person is bad at making friends.

They simply haven't met the right people yet.

This can be an important message for a young person who feels as though they don't fit in at school.

School creates a rather unusual social environment: people are grouped together primarily because they happen to be roughly the same age and live in the same area.

Later in life, we increasingly choose our social environments based on interests, education, careers, hobbies and values.

For many autistic people, finding people with similar interests or communication styles can make friendship feel dramatically easier.

Not fitting comfortably into one particular school friendship group doesn't mean someone is incapable of friendship.

Sometimes it simply means they haven't found their people yet.

What About Bullying and Exclusion?

Unfortunately, autistic children and young people can sometimes be vulnerable to bullying, exclusion or being taken advantage of socially.

Some may find it difficult to recognise when someone is being sarcastic, manipulative or pretending to be friendly.

Others may tolerate unkind behaviour because they desperately want to belong to a friendship group.

This is an area where adults can provide valuable support.

Rather than simply teaching a child how to make friends, it is equally important to help them understand what a healthy friendship looks like.

A good friend should make you feel safe, respected and accepted. You shouldn't constantly have to change who you are, tolerate cruelty or prove yourself in order to remain part of a group.

How Parents Can Help

If you're worried about your autistic child's friendships as they return to school, the instinct may be to encourage them to socialise more.

But support doesn't necessarily mean pushing someone into more social situations.

Instead, try to understand what they want.

Ask open questions about break times, classmates and friendships without making every conversation feel like an interrogation.

You might ask:

“Who do you enjoy spending time with?”

or:

“What do you normally like doing at lunchtime?”

These questions can sometimes reveal much more than simply asking, “Did you make any friends today?”

Parents can also work with schools to identify opportunities for connection. Clubs, lunchtime activities, buddy systems, quieter social spaces and interest-based groups can all make social interaction less intimidating.

If your child finds particular situations difficult, it may also help to practise them together. Something as simple as working out a few ways to start a conversation or ask to join an activity can remove some of the uncertainty.

Most importantly, give them somewhere they don't have to perform.

Home should ideally be a place where an autistic child can decompress after navigating the demands of the school day.

If You're Autistic and Worried About Going Back

Perhaps you're reading this yourself because you've recently returned to secondary school, sixth year, college or university.

You might be looking around and thinking that everyone else has already figured out where they belong.

They probably haven't.

Friendships take time.

You don't need to become the most sociable person in the room, and you don't need to completely change yourself to make other people like you.

Look for small opportunities for connection.

Sit beside someone you've spoken to before. Ask somebody about an assignment. Join a club connected to something you genuinely enjoy. Talk to the person wearing a T-shirt from the game, band or football team you love.

Friendships often begin with very ordinary interactions.

And remember: you don't need everyone to like you.

Finding one person around whom you can genuinely be yourself can be worth far more than successfully fitting into a group where you constantly feel as though you're pretending.

Friendship Doesn't Have to Look One Particular Way

Perhaps one of the most important things we can teach autistic children and young people is that friendship doesn't have to follow a particular template.

Some people have ten friends.

Some have two.

Some see their friends every day.

Others communicate mainly online or bond through a shared hobby.

Some autistic people enjoy highly social lives, while others need substantial amounts of time alone between social interactions.

None of these is automatically better than another.

What matters is whether someone's relationships provide connection, acceptance, safety and enjoyment.

A New School Year – and a New Opportunity

Returning to school or college can feel daunting, particularly when friendships haven't always come easily.

For parents, it can be difficult watching your child navigate those challenges and wondering whether they feel included.

But social development isn't a race.

The child sitting alone today may discover a shared interest with someone next week. The teenager who feels completely out of place at school may flourish at college. The young person who has spent years wondering why friendships seem harder for them may eventually find people with whom communication feels natural.

The goal shouldn't simply be teaching autistic people how to fit in.

It should also be creating schools, colleges and communities where they don't always feel that they have to.

Understanding and Supporting Autism

Difficulties with friendships and social communication can be one part of an autistic person's experience, but autism affects everyone differently.

For some children and adults, understanding that they are autistic can provide valuable context for experiences they may have struggled to understand for many years.

Aspect Autism provides autism assessments for children and adults, alongside post-diagnostic support for autistic people and their families.

If you are considering an autism assessment for yourself or your child, or would like support following a diagnosis, contact Aspect Autism to find out more about how we can help.